Talking urinal cakes? “Hey, listen up. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many? Do yourself and everyone else a favor. Call a sober friend or a cab. And don’t forget: Wash your hands.” The Michigan state police are thinking about placing these talking urinal cakes, called Wizmarks, in select places. You know what, I appreciate the thought (who wants drunks on the road?), but I deal with enough nagging in my life and do not need a sweet-sounding female voice speaking to me from the bottom of a urinal. And what if there’s more than a voice in these urinal cakes? What if these urinal cakes take pictures? What if the pictures taken by these urinal cakes end up on a government website, or even worse, on YouTube? Or what if these devices are a new IRS trap with cameras that recognize our stupid faces staring down at the talking urinal cakes, and blurts, “There you are, you piece of low-down dog dung, pay us what you owe us, or else!” Or else what, the next time we use a urinal, the talking urinal cake blows up and takes us out? Go ahead, laugh if you want, call me stupid, or paranoid, I don’t care, I think this is a new and hideous plan hatched by an omnipresent government to plot our movements. Which is why I will use the bushes from now on.

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